Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Numbers are evil

Some people allegedly have a love affair with numbers. I'm the opposite. I have a hate affair with them. Long ago I came to the conclusion that numbers are evil.

Think about it. When are there ever any good numbers? Numbers only depress us. "Oh, God, I've turned forty." "The stock market is down ten percent." "I just got a bill for $300!" "My sales figures are off by 25%." "My car has 100,000 miles on it - how much longer can it last?" "The federal deficit is four hundred billion!"

I say again: NUMBERS ARE EVIL. The Bible is wrong in saying that money (or the love of it) is the root of all evil. Numbers are the root of all evil.

I hate numbers.

What a pleasant world it would be without numbers. "How many books did I sell? Enough." "How old am I? As old as I feel." "The stock market? What's that?" "The deficit? What's a deficit?" "A bill? You mean like on a duck?"

A numberless world - that's the place for me!

Now you might say, "But wait. What if the stock market goes up? Or your sales improve? Or we're running a surplus? Then numbers are good!"

But if you were to say such a foolish thing (which I very much doubt you would), you would be very wrong. Because "good" numbers are the most evil of all!

When the stock market goes up, all that happens is we get a false sense of security and a puffed-up ego. Same with sales figures or the deficit. "Good" numbers make us focus on the wrong stuff - money, prestige, success, our own cleverness and goodness, as contrasted with the stupidity and vileness of others.

"Good" numbers inflate our ego - which is bad. So good numbers are bad. And bad numbers are bad. Therefore, all numbers are bad. Bad things are evil. Numbers are evil. Q.E.D.

There is nothing good about numbers.

Additional proof: Mathematical types are irritating dweebs.

And a final, clenching argument: In a world without numbers, you would never have to balance your checkbook.

We would all be better off without numbers.

I rest my case.


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